Hey, you. Yeah, you—the one reading this. The one that says ignorant things like “I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” “I’m busier than you,” or “I only require 3-4 hours of sleep.”

This research by Harvard obviously doesn’t apply to you because you’re the exception. You’re super human. For the rest of us, however, the study is a helpful reminder that those who sleep eight hours a night — or a third of their life — enjoy better health and performance than those who don’t. The former don’t fumble around like drunks everyday. Since quitting the rat race four years ago, I can independently verify the study’s results.

But again, you’re different. This advice doesn’t apply to you. Don’t let science get in the way of your superior, busy, and more important life.

We’ll just be over here. Well-rested and fully operational. But again, not as important as you. Carry on.

The recent trend of making movies into trilogies — or better yet, four part trilogies where the third movie is bifurcated into two even more drawn out movies — is really the best thing to happen to cinema since at least technicolor, at most sound.

In fact, I think audiences have really missed out on a lot of epic, multi-part stories. I mean, mini series were big in the ’80s, for crying out loud! Couldn’t Hollywood see the writing on the wall? Skate to the puck a little sooner?

Even better, they should have started making trilogies a half a century earlier. Can’t you just imagine the possibilities? No?

Let me help. (more…)

In a blow to vendors, concessionaires, and local restaurants today, grateful and down-to-earth professional basketball players rejected a 50/50 split of income with team owners from the National Basketball Association.

“It’s not like fans come to see us in really nice, well-stocked, underwritten, and climate controlled arenas with the help of mass marketing campaigns,” said one informed player. “Fans come to games because they know the precise dates and times that we’re on the court. They don’t care about teams, community, or a good time. They just come to watch our amazing skills, like they have in droves on the blacktops we grew up playing on.”

Whatever the case, the real losers in all of this are tattoo artists, experts say. “Inking these walking billboards up is like 70% of my non-drug related business,” said one parlor owner from Los Angeles. “Most players are still only 50% covered, so this work stoppage really impedes us from not only increasing our invoice per customer, but contributing to society in a meaningful way, like tanning salons do.”

When asked for comment, a player’s union representative said his constituency is “crawling in their skin to get tatted up,” and that the union is considering making NBA owners pay for all future tattoos, since they’re “very becoming” to the overall product on the court.

Variety show host Jimmy Kimmel and his bit about “suffering tattoo artists” contributed to this report.