In a blow to vendors, concessionaires, and local restaurants today, grateful and down-to-earth professional basketball players rejected a 50/50 split of income with team owners from the National Basketball Association.
“It’s not like fans come to see us in really nice, well-stocked, underwritten, and climate controlled arenas with the help of mass marketing campaigns,” said one informed player. “Fans come to games because they know the precise dates and times that we’re on the court. They don’t care about teams, community, or a good time. They just come to watch our amazing skills, like they have in droves on the blacktops we grew up playing on.”
Whatever the case, the real losers in all of this are tattoo artists, experts say. “Inking these walking billboards up is like 70% of my non-drug related business,” said one parlor owner from Los Angeles. “Most players are still only 50% covered, so this work stoppage really impedes us from not only increasing our invoice per customer, but contributing to society in a meaningful way, like tanning salons do.”
When asked for comment, a player’s union representative said his constituency is “crawling in their skin to get tatted up,” and that the union is considering making NBA owners pay for all future tattoos, since they’re “very becoming” to the overall product on the court.
Variety show host Jimmy Kimmel and his bit about “suffering tattoo artists” contributed to this report.